You just made me feel so damn special
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
