apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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