please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
