i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You made out with two different species that night
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
