So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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