I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You smell like stripper and shame
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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