yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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