Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
