Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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