I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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