I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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