My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
