she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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