he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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