Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
