stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's always time for handjobs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
