worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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