I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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