Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
