this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
