Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
