i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
