Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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