Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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