I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
