I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
