The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
