Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
