Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
