I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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