she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
