fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
