I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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