I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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