He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
