Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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