I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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