I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
