im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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