Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
