she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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