wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
