There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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