Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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