Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
