Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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