and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just cut my nipple shaving
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
