You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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