i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
