I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my poor anus
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
